Ko Samui - what a dump!

While I've made several trips to various Thai islands over the last few years, I've always avoided the more popular islands, figuring they were unlikely to be my cup of tea.

Until now.

I arrived in Samui on the slowish Seatran vehicle ferry via Surat Thani. The process, from pickup at your hotel to arrival at Nakhon pier on Samui was smooth, and the boat was comfortable and not crowded, so no complaints there.

But on the island, it immediately becomes clear that you're in walking-wallet territory. The hassle and scams start immediately.

Looks okay at 8am, when everyone is still asleep

Samui's bus system largely consists of red sorngtaews, which in theory run fixed routes along the main roads - just flag one down that's going in the right direction. In theory, the rates are 50b for a short trip, 100b to go half way around the island. Which is already very expensive for a bus (remember, it's not a door to door service, and they will be picking up other travellers en route, so the fixed prices are basically taxi prices for a bus service). But just try getting the drivers to charge the official prices without a hassle. The first one I flagged down asked for 500b, to go two beaches along. And this keeps happening, so travelling takes ages as you often need to wait and flag down more than one driver before you find a vaguely honest one.

I walked between beaches a lot.

Not that walking is at all relaxing.

The main ring road is ghastly - over-developed, with heavy traffic, and ugly buildings. It didn't help that when I was there, they were ripping out the sidewalks and redoing them, so you had to walk in the street.

Meanwhile, you're constantly being shouted at, either “taxi, taxi!” or “hello, massssaaage.”

I actually feel kinda sorry for the massage ladies - there are way too many of them for the number of customers, so it must be hard to make a living, and I can forgive them the hassle as being born of desperation.

I don't forgive the taxi drivers, though. The taxi mafia on the island keeps prices inflated about 10x higher than they should be, so the drivers really only need to get one or two fares a day to make a living, so they aren't desperate for work. Indeed, most of the time you see them just sitting around, playing on their phones, snoozing, or chatting with their friends (the perfect job for the terminally lazy), only rousing themselves to shout “taxi, taxi” every time they see a white face, like a racist Pavlovian response.

(I sometimes feel like saying, instead of “no, thanks” for the third time in 60 seconds, “What on earth made you think I was interested in a taxi, when I am not displaying ANY of the obvious and easily recognised body language attributes that people the world over display when they are looking for a taxi? And considering you just saw and heard me saying no to your friend, what makes you think I've changed my mind in the last 2 seconds?”

But of course, I don't say any of that, because they know damn well you don't want a fucking taxi. They just don't care. Because what you want is irrelevant; all that's real is what they want. You're not a person, you're a wallet, which is unfairly not spilling it's content on demand, so why should they treat you with any respect?)

In addition to the dishonest bus and taxi drivers trying to overcharge you, other people are getting in on the act, too.

When I first arrived off the ferry, I was hungry and needed the bathroom, so I went into a french bakery and coffeeshop in the town, and had an overpriced and mediocre iced coffee and croissant. When I was ready to leave, I asked the staff which street the buses heading north used, as I wasn't certain which direction to walk to find them. The response I got? “No buses go there. You have to take a taxi. I will call for you - very good price!”

The staff at this cafe are lying to and scamming their own customers. Nice!

But beyond the scams and ripoffs, the ugly over-development and the traffic, what does Samui offer?

I hate crowds and noise, so I picked Mae Nam beach, as it was supposed to be less busy, quieter (with some distance between the ring road and the front), but still had a choice of shops are restaurants available, so I wouldn't need wheels.

The beach is nothing to write home about. The sand is coarse and yellow. The water is murky, with visibility of only about 2 feet. Jet-ski operators along the central stretch of the beach ensure you don't get much peace and quiet, unless you come down to the beach early.

The accommodation along this beach includes plenty at flashpacker prices, but don't expect any beach furniture (like loungers and umbrellas) for guests to use, unless you're staying at one of the more expensive places, so expect that you will most likely be putting your towel down on the sand. Most of the cheaper beachfront places have very narrow lots, so the majority of rooms will be back from the sand anyway (making the off-beach properties, behind them, better value IMHO).

The western end is mostly quiet, with fewer accommodation options, and is within a short walk of the pier for Lomprayah boats to PhaNgan. The middle section houses MaeNam town, and offers a tonne of choices to sleep or eat. The eastern end gets quieter again, but the beach all but disappears at high tide.

No beach here at high tide

When the tide is out, you can walk along the beach from the pier all the way over to Fisherman's Village, in the next bay (although you will need shoes, as it involves going over some low rocks and pebbly sections at the point, beyond the W Hotel). Expect it will take at least 1.5 hours to go the whole way.

I looked at three accommodation places in the section west of the middle, 20 minutes walk from the pier and 10 minutes walk from the town. The first place I looked at, Palm Point, offered me a tiny fan bungalow for 850b, so close to the neighbours that, if we both opened our bedroom windows at the same time, we could have shaken hands. The porch faced directly to the restaurant (which took up most of their beach frontage), from about 5 feet away. No privacy, and noise would have probably been an issue. Agoda showed that they had some cheaper bungalows towards the back available, but they didn't offer those.

I next looked at Mae Nam Resort, 2 doors down. They showed me a beautiful big bungalow, with a huge porch facing directly to the sea. Lots of loungers about the property. But, it wasn't cheap. Their rack rate was 2200b a night. And they were currently doing construction on the property, and the room they showed me was right next to the construction site. That's a lot of money to  spend to potentially be disturbed by construction noise all day.

Finally I looked at Thiptera, about 100m back from the beach, but with direct access along a small public lane. For 800b they offered a large, AC and hot water bungalow facing their small pool. The bungalows were spread out, giving you a little distance from the neighbours, and I could tell that many of them were currently vacant, meaning quiet nights. It wasn't perfect (the cleanliness of the bathroom was a little spotty - the toilet had been cleaned but the shower drain hadn't, and the AC was noisy) but it offered much better value than the other places I looked at.

Still, as should be obvious by now, I wasn't impressed by Samui overall, and really don't understand why it's as popular as it is.

I arrived on Samui on a Monday afternoon. I cut my stay short and left Wednesday morning. 2 nights on Samui was more than enough.